My name is Jackie Ball and this is my story.

I think my mom said she found out in March that she was expecting a baby, my dad’s first child. April 1^st they found out they were not only going to have 1 baby, but 2! Our due date was somewhere in early November, I was born September 10^th.  Within the first month of my life I faced death but I was stronger and overcame it.

Alee, mommy’s little girl, I was totally ok with that, because I was daddy’s girl.  I know my parents don’t have favorites, but deep down I knew I was special to my dad. I went to work with him whenever I could, helped him outside whenever I was allowed, and tried to be just like him all the time. Even when my mom had my brother I always had to be with my dad when he wrestled Jeff, I needed to be a part of whatever he was doing.

I swear I had the perfect childhood. I grew up in a nice house, going to church every Sunday, and there were always people at my house. But life can’t always be ‘perfect’ I’m going to spare details, but when I was 7 my dad went to prison and we had to move from a nice big home to a small house my mom rented.

When we were first told my dad was leaving it was originally for 6 months (which for a 7 year old is eternity) but 6 months grew into 1 year, than 18 months, then finally 5 years.  At first it was so hard, I wanted to keep it a secret, I didn’t want anyone to know my daddy left, but the church already knew, and I felt more like a black sheep then I ever have in my life. No daddy and daughter dances, or banquets, and  father’s day was spent with a 15 minute phone call from my dad, and Christmas was spent with the least amount time home possible.

After 5 years it almost seem normal to me not to live with a dad, but that day did come where my mom went to go get my dad from the dreadful place I grew to hate.  Life with my dad home was difficult at first, there were a lot of restrictions, and we ended up having to move, but since we lived in a different county I later found out that my dad never slept at m there were a lot of restrictions, and we ended up having to move, but since we lived in a different county I later found out that my dad never slept at the house, he always left and slept at my grandma’s.

During that time I went thru a lot of stuff. My parents seemed to be ignoring me and taking care of my younger siblings, and I wanted their attention more than ever. I think I mostly wanted my dad’s attention like I had when I was younger, but I didn’t get that. I remember hurting so much, and feeling so out of place everywhere I went. I wanted to be normal, fit in, have a family like I use to, but everything had changed.

I wanted them to notice how much I was hurting, how angry I was at them, but they never did, so I decided to do something they would HAVE to notice. A couple nights before my 15^th birthday I told a friend I was ending my life, and took some pills and got ready for bed. This friend FREAKED and called my parents, who were not happy at all. They asked me how many I took and decided that I should just go to bed and see what happens in the morning. (Since I didn’t take a whole lot)

That was my first experience with self-harm. We ended up moving again, and it just got more and more stressful, I resorted to cutting and starving myself so I could take control of something in my life, and my body was the one thing I could control. My parents told me I should talk to someone, so I talked to pretty much whoever would listen, (so youth leaders, friends, etc.) One youth leader actually alerted child protective services after some stuff I had said, and when the cops came they decided to take me somewhere safe (the hospital) and from there I was admitted into a child’s psychiatric facility for a 72 hour evaluation. 

When I went home from the hospital I met with an old family friend, and I remember we went to a tavern that was right by my church, and we sat there for a couple hours talking, and that is when I experienced true freedom from the demonic strongholds in my life. I surrender my life to the Lord on December 18^th 2008.

You know how the bible says it won’t be easy, but there will be trials, yep experienced that with a month of being saved. I was asked to leave youth group due to the fact that I was causing too much drama with all my problems, and the youth leaders didn’t know how to handle it. And that family friend that help lead me to the Lord, walked out of my life on the same night.

2009-2010 is a huge blur to me for some reason.  My sister went on a missions trip only to come home and tell us she wanted to go to some place called the Honor Academy, and then started actually working towards that. I decided I wanted to save lives and started looking into classes for that, and began my 2 year class of EMT.

I started going to ‘public school’ for the first time in 2010 my junior year, I somehow befriended the popular kids and quickly fell into peer pressure in multiple ways.  During this time I decided to go on a missions trip with global expeditions. It wasn’t a huge trip, it was to the city of Dallas, but it changed my life.

The people I met on this trip were amazing, I learned so much about the Lord, and I was the one on the trip! God really worked on my heart during that summer. I met some awesome people; some of them are still in my life. Weirdly enough, most of those people that impacted me the most were interns at Honor Academy.  My TL, Jennie, Priscilla, and Mike Sang were 3 of the ones who are still in my life. They ministered so much to me on that trip, and still do.

While I was on that trip, Jennie (the most amazing TL ever) sat with me not only at a hospital after dislocating my knee cap, but sitting with me as I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. Pris just poured into me, and spoke life over me, prayed with me, and listened to my pouring out my hurt.  And Mike, well… that is when the big brother was introduced.

Coming home from that trip I thought life would be a little bit easier, after all I just spent an amazing 2 weeks away from home with Christians from all over the U.S and Canada. That wasn’t the case at all. I mean, at first it was better, I was able to resist temptations, and even applied to go to the Honor Academy that next year, but being a senior seemed to really weigh me down.

By January of 2011 I had lost all my friends at school and was deemed the named ‘christian slut’. I wanted to give up so badly, the life I had known was slipping away. I stopped going to church because of some of the decisions that were made, and my family started attended another church where I got involved in the youth group and made some awesome friends!

During my senior year I also decided to go with Global Expeditions to India, somewhere I had wanted to go as a missionary to since I was like 7, so I started down that road to go across the country. Finally, EMT was over, and I walked across that stage. I felt like I had accomplished so much, and it seemed like life was getting better.

Of course I am skipping over some things that happened my senior year, I once again tried to end my life, but failed, and I also met this guy at a retreat, fell ‘in love’ and into temptation, but it is the past, and I don’t feel like going back and reliving all that.

So, India; July 9^th, the day had finally arrive. My month in India was a time I will never ever forget. After an intensely awesome month I came back to Ohio to pack for the Honor Academy. I said my goodbyes and drove with my best friend Celia down to east Texas to begin my new life.

I got thru 4 of the hardest, but best months of my life. I had a new family, a new start, my AP, a job that I loved, but I still had a lot I was dealing with from back home, some things with roommates, and once again, took some pills with the intentions of not waking up. I was released from the program 8 months early to go back to Ohio.

My life CHANGED. I was not planning on moving back ever, and now I had to. I was bitter in so many ways, which I later had to repent for. I left the people I loved, my sister, my family all in Texas and it didn’t seem fair, it still doesn’t seem fair, but I know God has a plan for all this, and good will come out of it.

Life hasn’t been easy at all coming back from HA. I’ve fallen into sin that would’ve been taboo 2 months ago,but the Lord is teaching and refining.